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Is It Grief or Depression? And Why Do I Feel the Need to Put a Name to It?

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For about three months now I have been extremely emotional. More emotional than normal — like I’ve cried more in the last three months than the last two years combined. But I’m not counting the time period that I binge watched Grey’s Anatomy or Game of Thrones or those other feelsy shows, because get real who doesn’t get emotional watching those? I’m talking about REAL crying.

Before I was diagnosed, I just assumed that it was because my pain was out of control and my knee was the size of a grapefruit and I wasn’t sleeping. Well, now my pain is not so high on the painscale, it hurts in more places, but it’s about a six instead of a nine most of the time. So we call that under control, right? I sleep more, still tired all the time, but I don’t experience painsomnia every night.

So, why am I sad all of the time? Why does the littlest thing send my into a crying fit?

Am I grieving over the loss of my health? I think yes, in a way I am, but I don’t know that it explains why I am emotional and find myself becoming overwhelmed and crying about something as stupid as being asked to recall the password for a login at work. I took the day of my diagnosis to allow myself to process and grieve. I went on Pintrest and created a whole board dedicated to my disease. It’s full of inspirational quotes, health information, memes that explain to others what I am experiencing. It was the day of my diagnosis that I decided to begin my glutenfree journey. I took that day to grieve, but also to try to empower myself.

I know that I have depression. I was diagnosed in 2006, but I am on Celexa and have had it under control for a long time now. Is it possible that because of my diagnosis I have become “more” depressed and the meds aren’t working anymore?

Or am I just plain old sad and moody because I don’t feel good, my life has drastically changed, and I am frustrated by the whole damn injustice of having a debilitating disease at the age of thirty? Does it really matter WHAT it is? Yes, yes, I need to know why. I’m that kid, that kid that asks you why an annoying number of times. I need to know what is causing me to cry, and be sad, and overwhelmed, so I can make it stop.

Did any of you experience this emotional weepy reaction prior to and after your diagnosis?

Prayers and Healing Hugs,

XoXo

michellehillstrom

 

 

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Comments

  1. findingmyzenwithas says:

    I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one that is grieving her “healthy body” .

    Like

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