Is It Grief or Depression? And Why Do I Feel the Need to Put a Name to It?

IMG_3212

For about three months now I have been extremely emotional. More emotional than normal — like I’ve cried more in the last three months than the last two years combined. But I’m not counting the time period that I binge watched Grey’s Anatomy or Game of Thrones or those other feelsy shows, because get real who doesn’t get emotional watching those? I’m talking about REAL crying.

Before I was diagnosed, I just assumed that it was because my pain was out of control and my knee was the size of a grapefruit and I wasn’t sleeping. Well, now my pain is not so high on the painscale, it hurts in more places, but it’s about a six instead of a nine most of the time. So we call that under control, right? I sleep more, still tired all the time, but I don’t experience painsomnia every night.

So, why am I sad all of the time? Why does the littlest thing send my into a crying fit?

Am I grieving over the loss of my health? I think yes, in a way I am, but I don’t know that it explains why I am emotional and find myself becoming overwhelmed and crying about something as stupid as being asked to recall the password for a login at work. I took the day of my diagnosis to allow myself to process and grieve. I went on Pintrest and created a whole board dedicated to my disease. It’s full of inspirational quotes, health information, memes that explain to others what I am experiencing. It was the day of my diagnosis that I decided to begin my glutenfree journey. I took that day to grieve, but also to try to empower myself.

I know that I have depression. I was diagnosed in 2006, but I am on Celexa and have had it under control for a long time now. Is it possible that because of my diagnosis I have become “more” depressed and the meds aren’t working anymore?

Or am I just plain old sad and moody because I don’t feel good, my life has drastically changed, and I am frustrated by the whole damn injustice of having a debilitating disease at the age of thirty? Does it really matter WHAT it is? Yes, yes, I need to know why. I’m that kid, that kid that asks you why an annoying number of times. I need to know what is causing me to cry, and be sad, and overwhelmed, so I can make it stop.

Did any of you experience this emotional weepy reaction prior to and after your diagnosis?

Prayers and Healing Hugs,

XoXo

michellehillstrom

 

 

Advertisements

One thought on “Is It Grief or Depression? And Why Do I Feel the Need to Put a Name to It?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s